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The single best way to improve all of your relationships instantly is to become a better communicator. But the word, “communication,” often implies a focus more on what is being said, rather than what is being heard.
But what if you didn’t need to become an excellent, seasoned speaker to become a better communicator?
You can actually become a far better communicator faster, simply by being a better listener.
Whether you’re trying to be a better listener in your relationship, in your marriage, in business, with your friends, or even in class, learning how to be a better listener is well worth the effort, and perhaps one of the most valuable skills you can have.
Curious to learn how you can become a better listener? Learn how with these top 10 tips.
How to be a better listener
1. Listen with the intent of learning. So much of the time we listen to others simply because it’s considered impolite to not listen. Change your perspective on listening. Instead, focus on learning and understanding the content of what you’re hearing, rather than just listening to be polite. You’ll be surprised by how much richer the dialogue is when you have truly listened and learned.
2. Keep an open mind. So much of the time we filter out what we’re hearing to agree with what we already know. In psychology, this is called confirmation bias, where we selectively listen and/or find information to confirm what we already know and believe. Check your assumptions when you listen to someone. If you assume that you already know what they’re going to say or what their beliefs are, you won’t learn much and your mind will likely reject whatever disagreeing material they present. Practice open-mindedness when you listen, and you’ll always learn far more than you expected to.
3. Show interest, rather than trying to be interesting. Many of us fall into the trap of rerouting the dialogue back to us and what we think, rather than actually listening to the other and what they think. Show genuine curiosity and interest in what they have to say. Not only will they feel that they can open up more and be more honest, but you’ll also find that your conversation is much more productive.
4. Practice active listening. To keep your mind focused on what’s being said, practice active listening. Whenever there is a pause or a transition to a subtopic, repeat back the key points you hear. If the speaker confirms that this is what they’re trying to communicate to you, then you can move forward. If not, they may need to reword their message to ensure your understanding. This tactic will help to ensure that both you and the other person are on the same page.
5. Ask questions for clarification. Without interrupting, ask timely questions to clarify the message. It could be as simple as paraphrasing what was said, or asking for an example to better explain the message.
6. Note both verbal and nonverbal cues. While verbal cues are important, it’s important to also note how they’re using their body to communicate. Do they emphasize certain words or phrases with their hands? Do they shake their head when they’re frustrated? Or nod when they’re pleased? Note these nonverbal cues to really garner as much insight and information as possible.
7. Keep your smart phone out of sight. Whether you’re listening to a speaker at a conference, or talking with your significant other over dinner, keep your smart phone on silent and out of sight. Studies have found that even the mere presence of a smartphone significant lowers the quality of a conversation and detracts from a productive dialogue. So keep it in your bag, your purse, or even in another room.
8. Summarize the main points. In your mind or on paper, summarize the main points from topic to topic. Ideally, write down the key points so that you can connect the main ideas, and have a big picture perspective.
9. Clarify what the key takeaways are. At the end of an idea or at a timely pause, ask the other what their key takeaways for you are. Though you may think you already know what they are, it doesn’t hurt to ask to ensure that you’re getting the message they’re trying to convey. It could be as simple as asking, “Just to clarify, is the takeaway for me to do (X) differently?”
10. Respond reflectively. The single best way to become a better listener is to respond with empathy. As you listen to the other, truly listen to the obvious and not-so-obvious emotions being expressed. Though you may feel a reaction to whatever they’re saying, let them guide the conversation, rather than bringing the topic back to you. When you do respond, respond not to the actual content and information being presented, but rather to the emotions that the other is expressing. Essentially, respond reflectively by paraphrasing the ideas you hear, and recognizing the underlying emotions in whatever is being said.
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