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Trying to navigate the rocky terrain of discord between family and friends is exceptionally difficult.
Whether it’s religion, politics, life choices, who’s starring in the upcoming live-action Disney film, or other divisive topics, such divisions can cause permanent, irreversible damage to relationships.
No family is immune to such conflict unfortunately, including mine.
While there have always been inherent differences amongst my family members, over the years, these differences have only been exacerbated by the changing political climate.
Once close relationships have been fractured, and once accepting, open-minded members have become incredibly resentful, and even spiteful towards other members.
As one of the younger people in my family, watching this all unfold has been both eye-opening and heartbreaking.
My family is spread out across the country. I was born and raised in the Midwest but now live on the West Coast, where I have more extended family stretching from southern California all the way to Oregon and Washington.
Interestingly enough, many of the divisions I’ve noted arise from mere geographical differences.
As someone that grew up in the Midwest, lived overseas for several years, and now lives on the West Coast, I’ve been exposed to many walks of life. I’ve always believed diversity of opinion and thought to be as normal and essential to life as water and oxygen.
But what happens when open minds become closed off? Or when differing opinions and thoughts are silenced? Or when hateful speech replaces kindness and empathy? And friendly debates turn, well, downright ugly?
The result isn’t pretty.
Being caught in the middle of this cultural war, I’ve heard a number of disparaging remarks from family members.
One family member commonly refers to her relatives in Middle America as “deplorables.”
Another family member believes that these same members have been “ruined” by the Midwest.
While another family member has openly remarked that going to church can be equated with stupidity, and criticized the family members that do attend church.
Other family members feel that the rest of their family has been brainwashed, and that they’ve let politics become too important in their lives.
As hard as I’ve tried to stay out of this mess, it’s nearly impossible to not become emotionally involved, especially when I see the people I love openly hurling remarks like these at one another.
If this or some version of these events resonates with your own relationships, I’m sorry. It isn’t easy to deal with these kinds of divisions, especially amongst family members and/or close friends.
What I can offer you is some advice for when you’re faced with similar situations. So the next time you feel things getting discordant as the conversation drifts towards divisive topics, use these 8 tips.
How to Navigate Difficult or Divisive Conversations with Others
1. Steer clear of divisive topics. If you’re speaking with family and/or friends who are known to grow heated over particular topics, do your best to avoid those subjects. If you sense the conversation is drifting towards a divisive topic, bring the topic back to a common ground that you share with the other person. It could be as simple as recalling a shared memory. “Hey, remember that driving trip we took across the USA?” If all else fails, talk about the weather. Or food.
2. Listen more than you speak. The single best way to learn more about any other person (while also improving your relationship with them), is to simply listen. A lot of the time people grow impatient and argumentative because they feel that they’re not being heard, or that their opinion doesn’t matter. By simply listening to someone else’s opinions or thoughts, you not only create a trusting environment for them to open up, but you also let them diffuse any tension or pressure that could otherwise lead to conflict.
3. Should a divisive topic arise, keep your talking points rooted in fact, not opinion. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to keep our mouths shut, especially if it feels like we’re being attacked. Should the need arise to voice your thoughts, go ahead and express yourself. Just be sure to keep your points rooted in the facts, and not in opinion. Not only will this help to mediate any potential conflict, but you’ll also show that you’re reasonable in how you approach differing opinions. The other party will see that you’re not just trying to have the last word; rather, you’re trying to have an honest, fair discussion.
4. Speak calmly and clearly. Whether it’s your spouse, your parents, your siblings, or your best friend, it’s all too easy to lose control of our emotions with the ones we love most, especially when we feel that we’re being judged or attacked. Don’t let others’ words get the best of you and your emotions, and try to keep an even keel when divisive topics come up. Speak calmly and clearly, without letting your emotions drive your words. Psychologically, people feed off of each other’s emotions, so if you come off as aggressive or belligerent, they’re likely to respond in the same manner. When you display a calm attitude, on the other hand, they’ll instinctively mirror your behaviors, which will help to keep the dialogue both productive and civil.
5. Choose empathy over apathy. So much of the time we subconsciously reject others’ thoughts and opinions simply because we don’t want to challenge our preexisting knowledge. After all, it’s a lot easier on our brains for us to just stick with what we know, rather than disputing what we already believe. However, keeping a closed mind and not listening to others prevents our beliefs from going unchallenged, which in itself is dangerous. When we fail to look at the other side of the conversation, we close ourselves off to understanding others, and exchange empathy for apathy. Why is this a bad thing? Well, think about a world where apathy is the common currency. Injustices go unchecked, and kindness and love are left by the wayside. You should give a damn about the world and what you believe in, and it’s ok to disagree with others when they challenge what you believe. You can still fiercely believe what you believe, all while showing respect and empathy for others and their own opinions. Always strive to keep an open mind when hearing others out, and persistently, passionately choose empathy over apathy.
6. Realize that most expressed opinions are usually not personal attacks, rather passionate remarks. It’s all too easy to feel that others’ opinions, especially those concerning divisive topics, are personal, hateful attacks. While sometimes this is the case where someone personally attacks us, most of the time, they’re simply passionate remarks directed at the larger world, and not specifically at you. Let remarks like these roll off your back, and remind yourself that while you can’t control others’ remarks, you can control your reaction to them.
7. If all else fails, bow out gracefully. If you find yourself stuck in a heated debate that escalated before you could stop it, take a deep breath, and try to set the example worth following. Speak calmly and fairly, and if necessary, bow out gracefully. You can always change the topic by saying, “I don’t want to get too invested in this topic. Let’s talk about something else.” Or, “Excuse me while I help myself to the rest of that bottle of wine.”
8. And remember: at the end of the day, no relationship is worth destroying over ANY divisive topic. Learning how to appreciate your differences with others isn’t always easy, but it’s well worth the effort to maintain the relationship in the long run. Divisive topics (e.g., politics) are rarely black and white subjects. The definitive answers to conflict usually lie in the gray areas and result from much discussion and compromise. So no matter how much you argue with someone and try to change their opinion, you’ll most likely never change them. Instead, try to appreciate the differences you share with them, as you do the similarities. Not only will this keep the relationship intact, but it will also allow the relationship to grow stronger, regardless of your differences.
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