In this post:
- Why your relationship with your boss matters
- Potential reasons for why your boss might not like you
- What you can do if your boss doesn’t like you
Please note that this post contains affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosures here.
Why your relationship with your boss matters
Is your boss distant? Icy? Do they give you disapproving looks or the cold shoulder? Or snap at you for seemingly no reason? Do you find your boss difficult to get along with?
The relationship you have with your boss can greatly influence not only your job experience, but also your success overall in your role.
A strong and positive relationship with your boss can create a more rewarding experience in that you may receive assignments that you’re more passionate about, or the feedback you receive may be more meaningful, and you’ll feel more purposeful and fulfilled in your role. Conversely, a weaker relationship with your boss can result in work that is uninspiring, unfulfilling, and creates an uncomfortable strain on not only your work and performance, but also on you as an individual.
There are a number of reasons for why your boss may come across as distant, cold, or disinterested in you and your work.
Firstly, remove yourself from the equation and think about how your boss interacts with others. Do they treat them the same way as they treat you? Do they still act the same way when it comes to their interactions with others? It may be that your boss is always rushed, or seemingly apathetic or disinterested because they have so much more on their mind than just you. So before you decide that you’re the reason for their behavior, try to consider all aspects of your boss’ personality, the working environment, and how your boss conducts him or herself in the office.
If you’re still convinced that your boss doesn’t like you, there may be a few reasons for this.
Potential reasons for why your boss might not like you
Your boss can’t relate to you. Are you and your boss in widely separate age groups? Or in completely different life phases? There’s much to be said about the growing number of generations that continue to populate the workplace, and how they differ completely in not only their expectations, but also in their work style. There could be major disconnects between you and your boss in this regard. Working with a much older or younger generation can be likened to trying to understand another culture that is completely different from what you know. The lingo is different, the mannerisms differ, the expectations diverge widely, and how they consider getting work “done” may be vastly different from your own definition and expectations.
Your boss doesn’t understand your personality. Your boss may come across as distant or even rude because they simply don’t understand why you conduct yourself as you do. Maybe you’re a workaholic and they’re not. Maybe you like to take breaks and they don’t. Maybe they don’t understand your quirky humor. Whatever the reason, your boss is unable to understand how you work and why you do things the way you do.
Your boss lacks confidence. This may be one of the most difficult scenarios for an employee that is struggling with their boss, but it actually happens more often than you might think. Bosses may dislike you because you are smart, confident, and successful, which makes them feel both insecure and threatened by your very presence. Seemingly innocuous conversations can quickly become defensive matches where your boss tries to assert their power over you, making even the most basic interactions with them both stressful and volatile.
Your boss finds you to be useless. If your boss constantly expresses their frustrations towards you and your work, they may be questioning your ability to perform in your role. They may resort to snapping at you often, or even micro-managing you on the smallest details. You may notice that your boss is slow to assign you new work, and that they may even ask others to do certain components of your job.
While this list is by no means exhaustive for why your boss may dislike you, these are some of the most common reasons for why you and your manager may be on the outs with each other. Luckily, there are several ways you can deal with a boss that doesn’t like you that can help to target all of these potential causes, and also improve your relationship with them.
What you can do if your boss doesn’t like you
1. Ask for their advice. If your boss is quick to be defensive, find ways to ask them how they would approach particular issues or challenges that you’re having in your job. For example, ask what their thought process is for when they deal with a difficult client, or how they prioritize the pieces of a complicated project. Show them that their opinion matters to you, and that you would like to try some of their methods. When you tackle said issues, be sure to thank them for their help.
2. Find ways to relate to them. If your boss has a difficult time relating to you, try to find a common ground on which you can relate. It could be as simple as talking about how you both like the same sports, or asking if they have had similar difficulties in working with a certain group of clients. Let them share how they feel about certain issues or experiences, and then share your own, highlighting the points where you both feel the same. As you continue to build rapport with them, you’ll find that it becomes easier to connect with them on more and more topics.
3. Don’t keep your head down. While it may be instinctual to resort to putting your head down and keeping quiet, trying to go unnoticed can harm you and your career. After all, who is going to vouch for you when they don’t notice you or your work? Additionally, your boss may not see or notice your valid contributions to the team if you’re keeping quiet and appear uninvolved.
4. Immerse yourself in your job. If your boss finds you to be useless or incompetent, it’s important that they see you working and staying busy in your day-to-day functions. From the smaller details of your job, to the major projects and meetings where you have to deliver, make sure your boss knows that you’re making a valuable contribution by staying busy and being of value to the team.
5. Avoid avoidance. It’s easy to want to shy away from your boss when they’re treating you like you don’t matter, but don’t give in to avoidance. Believe me, your boss will notice if you try to keep your distance or if you scurry away when they come into view. It will only make things even more awkward and uncomfortable.
6. Engage in small talk. Whether it’s a quick “Hi! How are you?” every morning, or asking how their children’s summer is going, or what plans they’re making for the holidays, make sure you take a couple minutes every day to get to know your boss a little better. Showing genuine interest in them and their interests will go far in transforming how they see you not only as an employee, but also as a person.
7. Be early to work. If your boss thinks you’re incompetent or that you have lukewarm feelings towards them and/or your job, prove the opposite to them and demonstrate your enthusiasm and confidence by showing up early to work EVERY DAY. Not only will your boss and others notice, but when you finish up projects or tasks well before their deadlines, your boss will appreciate your hard work.
8. But that doesn’t mean you should leave early. We all want to leave early when we have bad days at work, and if things are not so great with our boss, that may be a feeling we experience daily. You can come up with all the excuses in the world, like “I came in a few minutes early so it’s ok,” “I need to beat the traffic,” or “My boss won’t notice I’m gone anyways,” but it won’t score you any more points with your boss or your team.
9. Resist the urge to talk smack on your boss. When your boss openly expresses their dislike/hate for you, it’s more than easy to badmouth them passive aggressively. And while it may seem like it’s harmless to talk about them, even with your friends at work, it will get around that you’re talking about your boss, and it will only make you look bad, no matter how poorly your boss treats you. Resist the urge to talk about them, even to the most sympathetic ears. Talking smack on your boss is one of the biggest ways you can openly disrespect your boss, and once it gets back to them, they ain’t gonna be happy.
10. Remember: there’s more to life than your job and your boss. When something goes wrong at work, it can easily and quickly consume all our time and energy beyond work. Remind yourself that there is only so much you can do to turn things around at work, so if a better opportunity comes along and you know you’ve tried your hardest with your boss, it may be time to move on.
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