In this post:
- What causes holiday stress?
- How to survive the holidays
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While the holidays can be a very special, memorable time of the year, they also can be more than conducive to stress and anxiety. Seeing that stack of unwrapped gifts, trying to squeeze in last-minute Christmas shopping, coordinating plans and meals, and oh, let’s not forget one of the greatest stressors of the holidays: family. The pervasive, idealized notion that the holidays with family are meant to be completely stress-free and blissful is simply (and unfortunately) not a reality.
What causes holiday stress and leads to us dreading family gatherings? There are a plethora of reasons why, and they may be related to the following.
What causes holiday stress?
- What’s changed since last Christmas. Getting together over the holidays can underscore everything that has changed in our lives over the last year. Divorce. A death in the family. A child or sibling that has moved away. Losing a job. Any and all of these things can throw off the dynamics, add holiday stress, and leave us feeling uncomfortable at family gatherings.
- Or what’s stayed the same since last Christmas. For some of us, stressful holidays are a result of not what has changed, but what has stayed the same. Maybe it’s seeing the same people you saw last year, eating the exact same foods, telling the same stories, and hearing the same jokes, but the monotony of it all can be enough to drive anyone bonkers.
- Memories ranging from sweet to bitter. Returning home during the holidays forces us to reflect on our memories of growing up. However, some of us may not have the best childhood memories, which can lead to unsettling, dwelling thoughts on how things could have been, or how we wish we could change things.
- Difficult relatives. Often the most stressful holidays are those that involve the most difficult relatives. Many of us dislike family gatherings for this very reason, as the holidays force us to share space with relatives that we would otherwise avoid. Whether it’s differing opinions on politics, religion, life choices, etc., spending time with difficult relatives leads to a pressure cooker environment, with ample room for explosion.
It goes without saying that family relationships are complicated, and there’s no escaping the seemingly endless, intricate, often prickly layers of familial bonds. While I’m not saying that the holidays are meant to be completely awful, or that you should skip them to try to avoid the unnecessary pain, there are many ways you can prepare for this time with family and relatives. As I’ve mentioned before, a huge advantage to making the most of the holidays comes down to your perspective and attitude of gratitude. However, there are several ways that you can make the holidays bearable, and even pleasant (although, it doesn’t hurt to have a little spiked eggnog to help, as well).
How to survive the holidays
1. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness may be your best weapon when it comes to holiday stress management. When a family member says something offensive or hurtful, or when that relative constantly demands to be the center of attention at every meal, exploding or returning a sharp remark won’t improve the situation. Instead, try utilizing mindfulness. Excuse yourself or find a quiet space to collect your thoughts, and take slow, calm breaths, reminding yourself that you’re in a temporary situation. Taking a walk may also help. Once your anger dies down, write down your thoughts and feelings about what was said. While some situations may call for a later conversation between you and the offender (depending on the severity of the remark), sometimes, time and reflection are all you need to forgive someone of their wrongdoing.
2. Plan out your responses for those awkward questions. Often, family members will highlight our greatest insecurities with intrusive questions about our lives. Why are you still single? You don’t have kids yet and you’re married? Have you gained weight?
Ah, the joy of the holidays and awkward family gatherings! No wonder family gatherings give us social anxiety! Questions like these leave us wondering just how we can avoid family gatherings and get togethers. If you know of certain relatives that will be asking these meddling questions, prepare your answers ahead of time. They may come in handy when you least expect it.
3. Bring along buffers. Most people’s manners improve remarkably when outsiders or unfamiliar faces are there. If you know your family to be like this, invite a couple friends over. However, if this only brings out the worst in your family, definitely skip this. Plenty of people are unable to go away or visit home over the holidays. Think of elderly people you know whose children have grown up and moved away, or foreign exchange students that attend your local college or high school. Chances are that they would love to experience an American Thanksgiving.
4. Plan “breaks.” Rather than avoiding family altogether during the holidays, plan plenty of escape routes or ways to take breaks. For instance, if you’re going home for the holidays for a few days, be sure to make your plans with other friends. Perhaps see a movie, take a drive around your neighborhood to see all the lights, or grab coffee together. This way you’ll have planned distractions that break up your time, and it will help to beat the holiday stress.
5. Remember: nothing is perfect. During the holidays, there is a lot of pressure, particularly cultural pressure, to have the “perfect” Christmas, making us worry about how things should be. This leaves us comparing our experiences with idealized versions of the perfect Christmas or the perfect holiday. However, the reality is that there are more dysfunctional family gatherings around the holidays than not. Every family has their issues, and every family will experience a less than perfect holiday gathering.
6. Schedule post holiday “me” time. Holiday family gatherings can leave us with a bit of an emotional hangover. Before the festivities begin, be sure to plan out some activities just for you that you can do once the holidays are over. Maybe you want to schedule a night to go out with some friends, or finally use that coupon for a pedicure or massage. Whatever the activity is, plan it and jot it down in your calendar. This way, you’ll have something to look forward to when things don’t go as smoothly as you’d like, and also be able to refresh yourself for the New Year.
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